FIRST CUT

Like most regular girls I had my outfit planned out a week to the day. It was my first and long awaited entrance into the corporate world and I wanted to make a statement: Classy, confident, and intelligent.

I had carefully selected Abuja as my preferred location for the mandatory court attachment from Law school.

Being accustomed to Lagos life, I woke up extra early and started the ritual that would get me ready for work.

6.00 am

Dressed and ready, I asked my host (Isoken) to call me a cab. One look at me had her laughing, “this is Abuja o, we don’t set out for work 3hours to time, abeg come and sleep over-sabi.”

Grudgingly I took off my clothes and willed myself to fall asleep. That’s how I now overslept and woke up 8.15.

I managed to get dressed in record time and sped out the door. I faintly heard my friend say something about my shoes. I mumbled a thank you and dragged myself JUST I caught my reflection in the car window; It was all I needed to pump my adrenaline right back up. I was looking FLY!!!Ah ah. Hair done, nails did, make-up flawless.

I gave the cabbie the address and we took off and arrived at my destination in 10minutes. (NOTE TO SELF: Relocate to Abuja. Any city in which you could get to work in less than 30mins surely was prime location).

He dropped me at the junction as there were several security barriers on the street so I would have to walk the whole way in. Hmmn! Not so bad sha after all I was 20minitues early. I was still so excited I even dashed him the change and then sauntered to the gate with the kind of poise required of my 6-inch heels.

At the gate, a full body search worthy of US HOMELAND SECURITY was carried out and I all but got smooched by the overly ambitious security girl; let me state here that eyebrows should NOT have to get to your hairline for them to be either noticed or nice. Trust me, a look of permanent shock isn’t what Men are after. Anyways, after her session, the following ensued;

Me: “I’m here for Court Attachment”.

Brows: “You say wetin? I say na who u dey find? Which office?”

Me (speaking slowly this time): “I’m a law student posted here from the Nigerian Law School”

Brows: “Ehn, u sure say na here? No court for this area o”.

Confused, I walked out and read the signage again. The letters were bold and unfriendly “ ECONOMIC AND FINANCIAL CRIMES COMMISION (EFCC)”!!! How could I have missed that?

I walked all the way back and flagged down another cab and gave him the address.

“Madam, e no far, 5minutes we don reach”. I was too irritated with myself to respond. I was relieved when we got there in 4. Loads of suited people scrambled past, and I felt right at home. Another round of security checks and I got into the reception and asked to be directed to the court, showing her my posting slip.

Receptionist: “Ah madam, here na FCT High Court o, na Federal high court u dey find”.

Me (looking bewildered): “But this is Maitama nau”.

Receptionist: “Ehn, na two court dey Maitama. One na FCT, one na federal.”

It was 9.00am. Panic induced drops of sweat threatened my powdered face. To ensure that I did not get it wrong a third time, I called my friend Isoken and asked for specific landmarks.

I zapped into another taxi and was taken to yet another court.

FINALLY!!!It was another long walk from the gate to the building. Ideally if I were driving by in something nice with an AC spitting soothing, caressing breeze on my lovely leather, I could have taken the time to admire the beautiful building that stood before me. Instead, jogged up a long flight of stairs in 6inches, sweat running down my neck, shirt askew and bits of hair caught in my lip gloss?

It look like that my fortunes finally found their smile because my court was only one floor up. Still I ran in out of breath and had barely found a seat in the Court Room when I heard the door pound, announcing His Lordship’s entrance.

We rose while he walked in and got seated.

Thankful that my ordeal was over, I sat. I noticed the guys at the other side trying to warn me but not before my bum touched the already broken chair…

No, I didn’t fall all the way to the floor, contrary to your expectations.

The chair had three (3!!!!) broken legs but they were all still there supporting the heavy cushion. I don’t how to describe my position but if you are familiar with the punishment called “Angle 90”, then you know wharramean. All I can say is that I ended up supporting the chair the whole time, ensuring to keep the weight centered on the one good leg. So….the chair was sitting on me.

Silent tears of anguish glided down my face, taking what was left of my mascara with it. I remained in that position for the entire duration of the first case, until the court was in recess and I was able to move seats.

The rest of the day was uneventful. I was hungry and disillusioned. Court ended at 3.00, and I got in a taxi heading back to Isoken’s. I gave a detailed description to the cabbie who was in irritatingly high spirits considering the blazing sun.

“That na my area madam,” he assured me. “Make we de go”.

We got to the street and he stopped immediately after the Mr Biggs where the tarred road ended.

“Madam u say after Mr biggs na, oya o”.

“Oga abeg follow the road reach the ending” I pleaded. “My house dey the other street”.

Guy starts ranting in LOUD Yoruba. He drove for about 40 seconds then he stopped and said he wouldn’t go any further as the road was barely motor-able.

We argued for about five minutes until I noticed a small crowd starting to gather. The idiot drove off, leaving me to walk ALLLL the way to the house alone, through that mud and IN THOSE SHOES!

I was too sad to cry. I got out my phone; at least playing some of my favorite music could brighten my mood. I noticed several missed calls and text messages had come in from Isoken. I unlocked the keypad and clicked on the “sms inbox” and read the following text:

“Babes please stop at my office to carry key, I forgot to leave it at home…xxx”

I died.

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25 Responses to “FIRST CUT”

  1. Enah J Says:

    OMD,LMSAO!!!! Damn,a day to remember..#laughing face# so all d waka-waka were in those heels? Buh isoken no try @ all…if I were to wear the shoe on the other leg,I would just sit @ d porch and wait for isoken,no matter how long it’d take her to get home..

  2. tope A Says:

    Lmao! I. No laugh since oooo, but dat last part. Ehn, no be small. Wao sweerie you’ve’ whewed’ us again so so interesting&entertaing. May we not wait so looooong for the next edition.

  3. At first I didn’t know if I should feel sad or cry about your ordeal, but I ended up laughing real hard when I got to the end.

    Lovely piece , that gives the reader a feeling they were present when it all happened!

    Keep it up girlfriend 🙂

    * You can please checkout my blog at : http://spokenwordsofstrength.blogspot.com, to be inspired and encouraged.

  4. Oh! Pamela….you’ve been missing in action nice to have you back. Lovely piece as usual

  5. e4ma danj Says:

    I can soooo picture madam brows at EFCC Lmao. E reash to die abeg!! Wat a stressfull day! Love love love nomski xxx

  6. Hahahhaa. I die with u. What a bullet to the head ending. Nice one, keep it up.

  7. kome JCA Says:

    Rotfl, what a day!!!

  8. adewale Says:

    Na to walk bak to Mr bigs and call anoda cab remain o, no be u say u wan come Abuja? Na d Abuja be dat o! Na to commot six inches and walk back bare footed in d mud remain

  9. Oh!!!
    Sowwie dear…Lolz

  10. funmi Idiagbonya Says:

    Pamela has done it again oooooo,dis is really hillarious…..so real. Sorry abt d key bt m glad it wasn’t raining though,if not……lol. Kip it up

  11. Jesu! I actually felt u ‘dying’!! What? Me? No way I would walk back to Isoken’s office o! I would wait for her to return! Yikes!!
    Great piece,babes! U rock!

  12. Welcome back miss b*****, rotflmao

  13. Thanks you guys….xxxxxxxxxxx

  14. Lol@ I died!! U won’t finish me o. Can picture what was going thru your head right then. Hahaaaaaaa!!! Nice work as usual boo. Keeop ’em coming

  15. This is hillarious… Sorry you had such a bad day but it makes for a very funny read… Love your narative. Loooool, thank heaven I did not try to read this at a serious meeting, didn’t know whn I bursted out infront of my colleague during a not so official call.

  16. Yippeee! Glad youre back. That was one hell of a day. How are the shoes

  17. Oh my days 😂😂 Hahaha I love it, it’a too real like I could see this happening to you. It’s like a movie

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